The New Rickrolling

THE ONLINE PUBLIC is being warned against a new, devastating, and potentially life-destroying Internet phenomenon that hacks into video content and links it to material of an unexpected and unsavoury nature. Much like Rickrolling, the unwitting viewer is forced to see atrocities the likes of which decades of therapy won’t undo.

This phenomenon is Bieberbombing.

Across the Internet, videos that appear to contain footage of cats flushing toilets, phallic vegetables, Gears of War 3, and feats including hand-farting the Imperial March from Star Wars are being redirected to the image of the bay-window-toothed gender freak Justin Bieber, or to the aural torture that is Bieber’s rapping in the key of ‘chipmunk having a poo’.

“It was well out of order”, reported London cab-driver Arthur Shoehorn (54). “I was settled down for an evening with the missis when we thought we’d have a gander at last night’s Big Brother, ‘cos we’d only seen it last night. I click on the link thing, and there’s this Justin Bieber, lovely girl I’m sure, but the missis has been struck mutt and Jeff ever since, an’ I can’t see to tie me shoelaces straight of a morning.”

“I was deeply, deeply traumatised”, said college lecturer Kirsty (not her real name). “I had intended to look up footage of Sir Laurence Olivier in Richard III when…when….this thing appeared on the screen…I screamed…I just screamed and screamed until my tonsils fell out and my teeth shattered…sadly I couldn’t afford new teeth on the NHS so I used Scrabble tiles instead”, Kirsty added, smiling and displaying ‘braciola’ for a score of 12.

Other internet users reported similar ill effects. One man from Southport turned entirely into stone, much to the chagrin of his family. His last words were “sounds like a chipmunk having a poo”, adding to the embarrassing nature of his demise.

Bieberbombing claims another victim

In response to this crisis the government is launching a campaign entitled ‘Click with Caution’, partly to advise the public on safety and mostly because alliterative titles for campaigns mean the government doesn’t actually have to do anything besides sit back and look smugly at the pleasing repetition of consonants they have wrought. The campaign advises that if you must click on a video link, take the necessary precautions: encase yourself in a radiation suit within a block of concrete 20 metres in depth, and 500 miles beneath the ocean. Of course, you’ll probably die anyway, and when you reach the Pearly Gates, Bieber will be there.

If you have been affected by any of the issues discussed in this report, please feel free to ring the helpline on 000-000-0001. Or shoot yourself.