Pariah Rustbucket’s Guide to Teenspeak: 1
The intrepid and pioneering spirit that brought you Pariah Rustbucket’s Guide to Modern Art now offers you, at considerable arm’s-length, this Guide to Teenspeak.
We will first of all examine the basic principles of the language, before moving on to some simple but useful phrases that will enable you to converse with confidence and ease in a number of everyday locations and situations, including In the Post-Office, Down the Pub, and At the PC in the Library Whilst Talking Loudly on Your Mobile Phone.
Since much of today’s communication is conducted through such channels as e-mail, instant messaging and text, this guide is not limited to verbal exchanges. In fact, to use Teenspeak like a native, it’s best to avoid any form of verbal communication wherever possible, even if you’re in the same room as your intended audience.
1. High Rising Intonation
High Rising Intonation, or HRI, is the essence of Teenspeak. You must master this skill before moving on to other sections of this Guide. The effect of HRI is such that every statement sounds like a question, with the voice rising on the last syllable. It is important to confine this to the last syllable. The rest of the statement must be relatively flat in tone, and only at the very end of the utterance must it suddenly take off like a demented seagull. Note that appending ‘Yeah?’ to the end of your sentence is acceptable, but it is not HRI per se. No matter which word your sentence terminates in, it must be the aural equivalent of Roger Moore’s quizzically-raised eyebrow. The general effect is to create a sense of uncertainty, nausea and vertigo in the mind of your audience.
2. ‘Random’
Back in the days when people knew how to use a dictionary and hold a pencil, the word ‘random’ meant ‘made, done, or happening without method or conscious decision’. Now, the power of this word is incomprehensible and almost unlimited. It may be used in one of two ways:
Example A: The adjective
Teen 1: Hey, d’you wanna go to the cinema tonight or what?
Teen 2: Yeah, cool, what’s on?
Teen 1: Just some random film about how people want to save the Earth from destruction.
Note: the word ‘random’ can preface something quite specific and not lose any of its power. I mean, like, WTF??!!?? (see WTF, OMG, LOL).
Example B: The noun
A further instance of the proliferation of the word ‘random’ within Teenspeak is its promotion from an adjective to a noun. As in, ‘I went into the MacDonalds and this random just starts telling me his whole life story’. The use of the word ‘random’ in this way is intended to suggest that the speaker’s life is so full of crazy shit happenings that they can’t leave their doorstep without disturbing the very fabric of time and space.
Other useful phrases might include: ‘I like really random stuff’ and ‘OMG that’s like, totally random’.
3. WTF, OMG, LOL
Again, these are words with mystical power. Originally they were abbreviated versions of the phrases Oh My God, What The F*ck and Laugh Out Loud, but these meanings are quickly becoming lost in the mists of time. At present, only OMG can be used in verbal communication, where it must be said as slowly and emphatically as possible. For example: ‘O…..M…..G! Did you see Big Brother last night, it was, like, totally random?’ However, it is only a matter of time before the same holds true of WTF and LOL.
LOL (or lol) is also an exception, in that it can be used in a number of ways.
Example A: To indicate laughter, even when laughter has already been indicated.
‘Hahahahahaha lol!!!!!!!!’
In Example B, LOL multiplies itself in a process that we shall call bacterial hilarity.
‘Hahahaha lololol!!!!111!!1
It is not certain whether the implication is ‘laugh out loud out loud out loud’, or ‘laugh out laugh out laugh out loud’. Either way, it’s the drivellings of a moron.
OMG, WTF and LOL can be combined in any way that takes your fancy: the more, the merrier. Remember to decorate your sentences with as many question marks and exclamation marks as possible.
For example: ‘OMG WTF???!?!?!?! Lolol’.
4. Spell everything phonetically
Only losers can spell, right? And what’s the point of spelling, lol. Everiwun nos wot u meen, dont thei? Eevn if I rite leik this, an mix teh lettrs up, an evn miss out sum ov teh lettrs, u can stil reed it, an I dunno how to spel anywai hahahaha lol.
Make sure that you replace the letter ‘s’ with ‘z’ wherever possible. If the word ends in ‘ay’, replace this with ‘ai’, or even better, ‘aii’. If there are vowels in your name, double them. It looks cool and like, mysterious (misteerius). So aniwaii what I meen to saii is that the moar yuu add too ur wordz liek then the bettr it is innit?
In Part 2 of Pariah Rustbucket’s Guide to Teenspeak, we will see how to put these basic principles into action.
Good crivens, yes. There is nothing more annoying than the prevalence of ‘random’ in modern speech. It’s not just the teens, it’s the 20-45 year olds who have failed to assimilate the mode of speech that becomes a post-pubescent. The only context I can think of in which you might acceptably refer to a person as ‘a random’ would be if an arbitrary selection of lottery balls flew out of their bum on a weekly basis. Even then, a ‘random ball bum generator’ would be a more felicitous appelation (hence Dale Winton’s nickname).
Did you know that WTF, OMG and LOL originated in the discipline of zoology. Here is what they originally meant:
WTF = Wax That Flipper
OMG = Oil My Grouse
LOL = Look: Owl Loose!
Here are some more:
ROFL = Roll Over Fat Lion
MFAO = Move Flatulent Ant Over
GSOH = Good Sense of Hyena
By the Posing-Pouch of Hercules, you’re right. Looking into the matter, here are some further zoological abbreviations:
IMHO = I May Have Ocelots
BTW = Baste The Walrus
LMAO = Lemurs Made Amazing Obelisk
Good grief there’s nothing like a basted walrus to put fire in a man’s belly.
How’s Duck-Eye doing these days?
Duck-Eye is alive and well. He was last seen poking his anatidaean beak through the letter-boxes of the rich and famous in an attempt to reprise the successful Through the Keyhole series.
Nice. That would probably explain all of the mildewed pondweed I found encrusted on the inside of my letterbox.
I long since gave up attempting to understand da yoot. In fact I fair much better here in Argentina, though my Spanish leaves much to be desired. You will be delighted and appalled to learn that when they write, however, es lo mismo. Or should that be eeees looooomismo!!!!!11111111
Although Spanish is phonetic anyway, so we are spared that most unsavoury youth-trend over here.
But ten letters where only one required is de rigueur. Sorry deee riiiiguuueueueueueueuer!111 lol!
Por ejemplo:
“ahiiii son 2 DECADAASSSS!!!!! q horrrrrroorrrrr (lloro)”
If one more Argentinian youth comments on my DECADAASSSS I’m going to scorch my gusset.
you just have to get used to modern art to appreciate the beauty of it -,;