Pariah Rustbucket’s Christmas Cheer

Christmas is almost upon us: that time of festivities, goodwill, and a little dash of magic. Or, more realistically, arguments, over-indulgence, and a little dash of wind. But, before you start setting the kitchen on fire, going to the local 24-hour petrol station for twenty packets of Hula Hoops and Peperami as the closest substitute to the aborted Christmas Dinner, arguing over the last After Eight in the box, and if it’s acceptable to consume After Eights at quarter to five in the afternoon, having to tell wide-eyed younger members of the family that Grandpa’s chronic flatulence is ‘reindeer on the roof’, taking another family member to hospital for injuries sustained whilst attempting to crack walnuts, arguing about who did the washing-up on Christmas Day 1983, and finally sobbing into the pair of humorous musical socks you received that now lend to your distress an inappropriately jaunty yet somehow amusing musical accompaniment, read this handy survival guide to the Christmas holidays.

1. Gift Ideas

Stuck for original gift ideas? Here’s an idea: don’t buy any. Better still, keep all of the Christmas presents you received the previous year unopened and unused. When Christmas comes round again, as it tends to do on an annual basis, re-wrap all of the gifts and return them to whoever bought you the items in the first place. Trust me: it’ll be the last thing they’ll expect. The look of surprise on their faces will be priceless – and after all, isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

2. Christmas Dinner

Now, a lot of time and effort can be put into Christmas dinner. It is at the heart of the day, taking hours to prepare and minutes to consume. Why bother, when those valuable hours could otherwise be spent arguing and watching ‘Celebrity Strictly Come X-Factor Dancing Through the Keyhole in the Jungle with Derek Acorah and Big Brother’? Instead, save yourself time and energy by following the Rustbucket Christmas Menu.

Now, the  key components of any Christmas Dinner are meat, potatoes, vegetables, and a boozy pudding. So, you will need:

The aforementioned 20 packets of Hula Hoops and Peperami

An Oxo Vegetable Stock Cube

Some raisins

A match

Whisky

For the Christmas Dinner: Firstly, place the Hula Hoops on a plate, carefully arranging them in a concentric circle from the inside to the circumference. Then, smash them with your fist. Open the Peperami and discard the plastic wrapping (or, alternatively, you can use this later to make fashionable stockings for your daughter’s/niece’s/younger sister’s Bratz doll). Put the Peperami on top of the smashed Hula Hoops. Crumble the Oxo stock cube over the top. Add hot (not boiling) water. Serve.

Optional Extra: Take a swig of the whisky.

For the Dessert: For a simple but highly effective dessert, and an excellent centrepiece for the table, heap the raisins on a plate (they don’t have to be perfectly arranged; a haphazard arrangement adds to the charm of this pudding). Douse them in the whisky, then set light to them. Sure, you’ll have no eyebrows left, but it’ll add the perfect finishing touch to any meal.

3. Christmas Crackers

What Christmas would be complete without Christmas crackers? Now, these are the paper-and-cardboard things that go ‘bang!’, not the things that you eat. True, some crackers may taste a little like cardboard, but if they go ‘bang!’, you’re in trouble. It’s a universal rule that Christmas crackers must always contain the following gifts: a plastic moustache; a small plastic magnifying glass through which you can’t actually see anything at all, never mind magnified; a metal puzzle that no-one can solve, and may in fact just be a mistake that they threw in anyway; a plastic ring; basically, small and useless pieces of plastic. These are accompanied by a paper hat that YOU MUST WEAR, and a side-splitting joke along the lines of:

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. Because there were maintenance works on the pavement and being practically-minded he didn’t want to fall into them, though if he’d fallen into them he probably would have sued the local Council for negligence, even though the works were clearly signposted and he would really have had to go out of his way to manage to fall into them, but then this joke would have gone on for a bit longer than it would otherwise have done and there is only limited space on this piece of paper, and as it happened everything was okay and the Chicken went on to have a nice day and got home to wherever it is that Chickens call home and had some seed cake for tea.

4. Christmas Entertainment

You have a house full of guests, but how do you keep them all entertained, from the youngest to the oldest? The answer: bugger them. They came round to your house, you prepared the Christmas Dinner (see # 2 above), displayed unparalleled generosity in returning their own presents to them (see #1 above): they should entertain you. The best way to achieve this is to throw them all outside into the garden (if you don’t have a garden, the street will do) and watch them shiver wretchedly outside whilst you scoff the remainder of the After Eights.

Merry Christmas!

Pariah Rustbucket.