Technology III: The Future?

We have seen the countless ways in which technology enriches and improves our lives today. But, what of the future? What advancements in science and medicine await us? What marvels of engineering? Such programmes as ‘Tomorrow’s World’ enthralled and inspired us all with dreams of airborne cars, meals in a pill and self-closing curtains. The possibilities seemed endless. For what could not be achieved with self-closing curtains? But, alas, many of the projects paraded in front of the spellbound viewing public were destined to remain undeveloped and unfunded, their inventors left bankrupt, insane, or living in a skip just outside Newport Pagnell. Your author tracked down one such architect of the future and, following much cajoling and assurances that I was not a talking giraffe, managed to wrest from him, Promethean-like, the secrets of Tomorrow. Accordingly, here are showcased some of the latest prototypes for future living.

Satellite Navigation: Road Rage Edition

Pileup Industries (tagline: ‘Leave in one piece, arrive in many’) proudly presents their Road Rage Edition sat nav. Upon powering up the unit, the user is greeted with a string of expletives. There are several voice options to choose from: White Van Driver, 4×4 Mom, Mid-Life Crisis, Inarticulate Teen.  After selecting your route, the Road Rage sat nav will guide you to your destination with such friendly and helpful injunctions as ‘Get off the f***ing road’; ‘You should have turned right there, you stupid w***er’; ‘Come on, wake up – it’s on green, you ****head’; ‘Did they forget to put indicators on that f***king model?’ and ‘I said the third exit, the THIRD exit, you cloth-eared ****!’ The politically-correct need not worry – the Road Rage Edition sat nav is family-friendly, and comes with a built-in censorship programme in which you can choose between a blush-sparing beeping noise, or to replace all expletives with the words ‘fudge’, ‘wallaby’, and ‘camel’. Either way, the Road Rage sat nav also ensures hours of educational entertainment as you explain all of those words to your younger passengers.

The Rising Intonation Generator

Are you tired of being left behind in conversations? Do your children seem unable to understand any instructions issued to them? Then you need the Rising Intonation Generator. This handy device automatically tunes in to the special, whining pitch registered by teens, checkout assistants and call-centre agents everywhere, allowing you greater ease of communication. Suddenly? Everything becomes a question? Casting doubt on everything that you say? You’ll wonder how you lived without it? A word of warning: the mechanics of the Rising Intonation Generator have not been fully perfected as yet, with the result that if you ask a genuine question, the unit will explode. The dynamic young company behind the Rising Intonation Generator is also scouting for funding for their next project, the Random Sock Generator.

The Inferno! Breakfast Maker

The labour-saving device of the future, the Inferno! breakfast maker simply cuts out the tedious process of having to watch your sausages, egg and toast by burning them immediately to a cinder. What better way to ensure that you obtain your recommended daily intake of charcoal? Again, as with the Rising Intonation Generator, the Inferno! is still being road-tested. One of its slightly inconvenient quirks is that it does tend to burn your house down. However, its inventors are hopeful that this will be ironed out in the near future, probably with their new Scorchio! ironing system.